You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
