White coat. Heels.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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