I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
