She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
