i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
