My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize