Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
where are my eyebrows?
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