he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
