you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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