Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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