She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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