Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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