I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I died a long time ago.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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