im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
All the doctor said was why
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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