Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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