I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
