I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
