I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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