Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
