I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
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I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings