They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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