Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The power of my boobs compel you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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