dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
His hands were made for my vagina.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
