he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
