Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
