So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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