I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
