soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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