i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
soo... how was my night?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
