dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
