I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
