Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
