i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
