I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
