I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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