you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
