My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
