glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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