i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
