I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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