Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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