I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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