why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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