It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
