Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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