my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
