I am midnight drunk by noon
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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