I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
