i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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