hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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