I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
