if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My bed smells like the plague
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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