You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
