OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
