Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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