how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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