you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
